me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
