Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
