My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Randomize
