So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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