my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.