Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts