so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
