woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
