He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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