your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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