I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
