just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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