broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
