Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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