he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
