I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
