i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
