he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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