____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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