I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
its liver damage thursday
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
