He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
