Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
