I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
