my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
