im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
