My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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