Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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