Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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