Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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