Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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