hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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