pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I faked an abortion last night.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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