I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i now understand why vodka
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
