and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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