You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
