It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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