I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
