just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
