you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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