I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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