I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The adults are the big ones right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
