a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
These tits shall not be calmed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?