you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol