i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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