Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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