I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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