i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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