She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
