Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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