ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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