He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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