he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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