I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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