Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
