no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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