so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
