You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes