Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
