The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
