so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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